This was taken from my Tumblr blog to give it a new life here on my blog. I like revisiting classic films every couple years to see how my thoughts have changed towards it.
Everybody knows “E.T.” is a classic, but when was the last time you really watched the movie? Like really really watched it?
I recently watched it six times in a row because the kids at a school I’m teaching (all six classrooms of 8th graders) have been watching it… and I really only needed to see it once more as an adult to realize how vapid and ridden with holes it was. By the end, I had more questions than answers, and any moment that could have had some genuine emotion yoked out of it felt forced and overdone, much unlike the Spielberg flicks that followed it.
A Few Notable Good Parts
1) Gertie, with her cute little voice and mannerisms. ‘I taught him how to talk he can talk now,’ she says in one breath as she scratches her nose. That precocious little voice is just too much for me.
2) Elliott, with his ‘ah-HA!’ laugh and, it must be with these siblings, a soft voice. He acts his part 100%. I love the scene when he fakes sick and fiddles with the thermometer before accidentally putting it in the wrong way.
3) Interesting camera work, thanks to Spielberg, meant for maximum style. I don’t blame him for his sweeping, carefully choreographed shots, but in the end they completely lack any realism.
4) The score, I guess?
The Bad Parts
Well, here goes… in a sort of chronological order…
First off – why is that spaceship so damn bright? Do aliens need that light to see anyway?? Do they even use electricity???
Why does ET have a gender??
Some foggy questions: Why is E.T. a boy? Why isn’t E.T. a girl? Why did Elliott have to immediately gender E.T.? Because otherwise they couldn’t become good friends? Because otherwise they’d have a strange relationship?
This theory is supported by the scene when Elliott goes to school and drunkenly(?) flirts with the one girl he’s friends with (she has a total of two lines by the way, and looks completely uncomfortable with young Elliott’s very adult and schmoozy behavior) and then kisses her. Hold up – how come alcohol has the same effect on E.T. as a regular human? How did he learn to open the can, or that there’s food and other edible and drinkable things in the refrigerator?? At any rate, E.T. must be a boy because in the end, when Elliott says he loves E.T. and they basically have that moment where they ask to stay with each other, if E.T. were a girl, would there not be some very not-PG interspecies love undertone?
But really, why couldn’t they be good friends if E.T. was in fact a girl? Is it because if E.T. was a girl, Elliott would have to be mean to her? Because E.T. would be harassed like the girl at school?? What’s the deal? It would have made no difference at all except offend those afraid of boys and girls being anything but sexual objects to each other. The only reason why Gertie is even included in this story is because she’s like the Peter-Pan in this otherwise really fucked up snapshot of fudged up youth and bad parenting. Speaking of.
Introducing the Worst, Most Unsympathetic Character In the History of Ever
The mother. She is the worst. I hate every scene she’s in. While she is undoubtedly stressed by her divorce, her kids are doing just fine. She cannot help herself but to stress herself out with their care. The food, the dishes, the household chores, the curfew, all of these things are surely important, but more than that, she should be listening to her kids when they talk to her.
She is overly protective and thinks she knows everything. She says nothing but rules and complaints. She reads to her daughter stories about magic and wonder but doesn’t believe it, even when an unimaginable cosmic wonder is literally living right in her own home. Maybe if she could have lent her kids an ear every once in a while, they would have told her earlier about E.T., and maybe got him home faster without having Elliott nearly die! When Gertie tried to tell her mother about E.T., she was too busy unpacking things from the grocery store to listen to a single word her daughter said – like come on, woman, the eggs can wait a second.
But it’s a good thing Gertie wasn’t able to introduce E.T. at that time because when the mother finally does find out, instead of listening to her kids (who have been dealing with a fucking alien just fine for however many days without her interference), or asking questions, she thinks she knows whats up and tries to rush them away from E.T., EVEN when her son demands that they stay together and says something extremely unsettling like, ‘I think we are dying.’ WE. WE!!!! Ffs, this selfish git is physically unable to listen to a single word her kids say. Let us quote:
“Mom, I want to show you something.”
“What is it Michael?” in an exasperated tone.
“Make the most excellent promise you can make.”
“Michael.” demanding to see the thing. Not fucking promising anything.
“Remember the goblin?”
“Oh don’t be silly.”
*insert epic eye roll here*
Did you hear any words from her mouth that sound like she is a person capable of listening, comprehension, or understanding? No. Because she’s not.
This woman is also a foul liar. When E.T. is presumed dead and Gertie wishes he would come back, her mother says, ‘Me too.’ Bull fucking shit. If she had had a gun anywhere within a foot of her first sight of E.T., she’d have shot him dead despite the completely demure and cool attitudes of her surrounding children who – get this – knew way better than her what was going on.
As a matter of fact, she only found out about E.T. because they wanted to try to trust her for once. And right when they did she tried to send him away and didn’t listen to a single word her kids said!! What a bitch.
You’d think that first major slip would have made her realize how terrible she is. Yet in a scene not long after, Gertie says, ‘Are they gone?’ and has the letter and flower, her mother doesn’t look at her or reply with any degree of compassion. “Who?” she asks, annoyed. “Show me the letter,” she demands. Pushy and authoritative when she, again, doesn’t know shit.
Exactly how big is this little town??
So where the hell is this house located and where is the forest? Because it can’t be that far if E.T. waddled his way there. In some scenes, the forest is a 2-minute bike ride. In other scenes, it’s a long police chase away. In the final scene, the kids have to bike through a bona-fide BMX race course and residential area, then fly across half the damn state to get there.
And those friends of Michael’s, what future misogynistic abusers they will grow up to be. When Elliott is terrified to go outside because he’s seen something, the fuckers get up and grab knives (that aren’t theirs) from the kitchen and rush outside. Like they’re gonna kill something?? Was no viewer in the 80s a little alarmed at the speed they went for the knives and how apt they were to go fucking something up lethally??These little 14-year-olds think they can brandish knives like it’s nothing?? ‘Oh they’re just boys, teenagers, they’re just a little rough,’ you may say. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how you cultivate an environment of toxic masculinity…
His friends are also completely useless at the end when Michael beckons them to help out, as is their whole ‘let’s split up!’ plan to evade the cops later. The government didn’t give a shit about those kids, they just wanted E.T.! How did they get the bikes for Elliott and Michael up to the park in time, even though it took a long car chase to get there??
And what is wrong with the government???
Who enters a house that isn’t theirs with their arms wide out like zombies? What happened to ‘Hello?’ because under the masks were not scary space men but ordinary doctors and people who were completely uninterested in the fact that E.T. could talk or that the fate of the Elliott was, for a period, hinging on the life of the alien. How the fuck does that happen?? Did no one wonder??
Why didn’t they test Elliott more? Right when he got better, they ushered him out of the room. When E.T. died, they acted like he was a normal person who died at the table and was ready for the morgue. Completely spazzing like shit and yelling and making a big scene during the resuscitation attempts though. In no way professional, but acting like like they were dealing with a fresh accident victim with critical wounds.
When they go back to the field, why did the government take so damn long? Did no one see the giant, bedazzled driedel in the air before? Why wasn’t that area blocked off from the get-go, considering they knew about the radar machine??
And the guy – ‘E.T. came to me too. I’ve been wishing for this since I was 10 years old.’ Okay, Mulder. E.T. didn’t come to you. What is your position in this government operation? Why do you care so much about E.T.? And what was the meaning of that little speech you gave Elliott? ‘His being here is a miracle. And you did the best that anyone could do. I’m glad he found you first.’ What the fuck, bro???
How did they find out that E.T. was at Elliott’s house anyway? When the gov’t was radioing in to everyone’s houses and tuned into theirs, they weren’t exactly hearing the juiciest stuff. Elliott and Michael were talking about their dad for half the time, and the other half was, ‘What’s this we stuff?’, a conversation loooooosely alluding to someone else, but that had no indication that it was about E.T. or an alien, and even if someone had said E.T., the gov wouldn’t have recognized the acronym!
The movie needed another ten or fifteen minutes to tie up some loose ends. So what happens next? Are Michael’s punk friends finally changed? Do they apologize for being complete assholes to Elliott before? Does his mother apologize and actually learn to form meaningful relationships with her kids that extend further than just maintaining the pantry stock? Does Michael also not revert to being a shit brother as he was in the first scenes? What happened to the Space Guy/Mulder character?
And what of Elliott’s love interest? Ah, right – she was one-dimensional and only there to first pull him away from the bullies, and second, to be the object of his creepy drunken flirting and the overly dramatic kiss performed while standing on the back of a kid who made a timely (and poorly staged) fall in between them. So yeah, I guess she has no further purpose. Nevermind.
As opposed to Michael’s friends, her presence at the end scene would have likely involved some girlish screaming or reactions or questions or talking or tears – but we had Elliott’s mother for that. I guess all we really needed to help bring together the final scene were those lovely, bastard bullies.
Ugh. E.T. sucks. 10/10 will not watch again.
Unless there’s a drinking game involved.
Hit me up.