Nothing ruins plans with friends than relying on your friend’s subjective and wishy-washy definitions of crucial time expressions – “I’m on the way!” they say, but they really mean that they’re just getting out of the shower; “Almost there!” they text, only to show up twenty or thirty minutes later; “About to leave!” they reassure the waiting You, all the while they’re whipping their straightening iron around sections of their hair, far from finishing the job and nowhere near the door.
And I’ve had enough of time-wasters with loose definitions of time and action when it involves other people’s time and energy (especially when said time-waster is considering some sort of romantic courtship with me).
So, it’s time to decide what “time” and those corresponding actions actually fucking mean.
The only solution I can think of to this common perplexity is having mutual agreement about what actions and time frames define these phrases and also being honest. Because if you say you’re going to be five minutes late because you think that sounds better to me than your actual ten- or fifteen-minute delay, you’ll have to let Very Very Pissed-Off Me tell you otherwise.
And that’s if I’m still there waiting. I, to quote Gwen Stefani, have had it up to here with perpetually late friends and those who try to bury the gravity of their tardiness (or potential tardiness) with “white lies” or gross underestimations of their estimated arrival times.
Let me be up front about this: if you’re going to be late or haven’t left yet, just tell me. For the sake of our relationship and my sanity, and out of regard for my time, which I could be spending doing something productive instead of kicking pebbles at our arranged meeting spot waiting for your slow, lying self, just be honest. If you’re going to be even an hour late, say so so I can at least make a damn coffee or sit with a book in the meantime.
Otherwise, I’ll just fucking leave you and make other plans. Hashtag don’t-waste-my-time-2018.
So for me, what do the aforementioned criminal time expressions mean:
On the way
Action: Literally in/on the mode of transportation required to get to said destination; in motion heading towards the destination or required mode of transportation to get to the destination
Does not mean: Still in the house; stationary (no movement taking place by either person or mode of transportation)
Heading there now
See: “On the way”
About to leave
Expected time frame: Within five and no more than ten minutes.
Action: Leaver will actually leave the starting point and head towards the destination by whatever means necessary; includes the actions of getting keys, making preparations in the house to leave (shutting off lights), gathering personal belongings, saying good-bye or informing others about departure, putting on shoes and final touches to outfit/makeup, and getting into the departure vehicle that is about to be ridden or driven to the destination.
Does not mean: Still doing any other activity other than the above preparations
Almost there
Expected time frame: Within five minutes by train, car or similar transport; within three minutes but preferably two on foot.
Exceptions: If “almost there” is qualified by an accurate arrival prediction like, “Almost there, should arrive in about ten minutes,” then the above five- and three-minute limits are null.
I’ll be (insert time) minutes late
Expected time frame: If not exactly however many minutes you will be late, an approximation to arrive no later than 2-3 minutes more than the just-said delay.
There in a minute
Expected time frame: Arrival within a minute.
Here (var: There)
Expected time frame: Exactly when you send the message or say so.
Action: None. You should be there, presently and visibly seen in the designated meeting area. You should not be “almost there,” in which case you would be late and not present where you should be, thus neither here nor there.
Are we good now? Everyone got it? Can we agree that these are legitimate and reasonable definitions and expectations? Can we finally stop blatantly lying about our arrival times and let the people waiting for us know when we’re actually showing up?
Trust me, they’ll love you for it. Well, at least I would.